Flyaway

Stay With Me.

2009-06-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

God, so much drama in my family. my dad is going through his second divorce, yes it's just as fun as it sounds...

sooooo. Ahhhhhhhhf.
I need to put some stuff on this site...hmmm.

Don't Think

2009-06-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

I don't think you understand.
I am the air, a being with no home
I can't talk.i have no mouth.
im sad, im alone.

If.

2009-06-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

If I were a bird, I'd fly into the sea.
I'd fly into the sea in hopes that no one would find me for days..
My mind would become my own with no strings pulling my free will
You people go at each other, claws drawn, blood pounding.going in for the kill.
My mouth will speak words you can't even comprehend. won't even understand
Because my mouth will be speaking about how i'm different, it will be so grand.
I'm in love with a boy whose all mine, but you people come in will your sick words. Terrifying
I'll speak back, but my heart is slowly dying..
If i were a bird, I'd fly into the sea.I'd fly into the sea to have all of the freedom of flying,
and all of the beauty that is rarely seen.
I will be My Own.

Very Early

2009-06-05T04:44:00.000-07:00

In the morning. I have no make up on, not that i wear that much anyways, i'm all into natural beauty.
It's summer finally even though its slightly chilly here almost as if its almost fall even though we're no where near it.
Well, I've decided self expresstion makes you beautiful. If you do the things you want, cut your hair off, get a faux hawk, pierce your face, you'll have the confidence because it's what you really love. So therefore im getting a faux hawk and getting my belly button pierce.haha. i want a manroe, I LOVE MARILYN!, but dad said i'm not allowed till god tells me, pssh. I'm just waiting till i get my car.
My aunt is 16 and shes a lesbian. shes the bestest thing about my family. haha. i love her because she speaks her friggin' mind without a care to who hears. Katie is the bombdiggity.

Truth Be Told...

2009-05-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

I did lie this week, once. I actually didn't lie, I just didn't tell because no one asked. Because no one knew.
I've decided to tell the truth all day tomorrow and im starting now as well. I will not tell a lie and i will choose what to answer and what not and why i don't answer it will be Known to me, no one else.

Send me some appropriate regrets you have, I would like to post them.

REGRETS:
-Lying to Myself
-Not Standing up to Her, To anyone.
-Hurting Myself and not telling him about it.
-Watching myself slowly die, without asking for help.
-Not Telling him that him not telling me stories, that him breaking his promises especially that one, that him not helping me ask for help because i was afraid, that him not telling me his dreams/day dreams/perfect moments would be. That these things hurt me alot on the inside. Am i not good enough to think about? i make up stories for you, can't you do it for me? i tell you my perfect moments, cant this go both ways?

-Leaving you something to think about
-toni bish

My Little Sister

2009-05-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

I have never met any child so Fucking Terrible to her mother.
Michelle didn't want to take her to walmart because all she ever asks for is toys,toys,TOYS, and michelle doesnt want to waste our grocery money on Danni. So danni comes into the middle of the living room THROWS A TANTRUM when shes SIX!! and kicked a glass off the coffee table, where it broke and if that wasnt bad enough she said "It's all YOUR FAULT mama because YOU won't take me to WALLLLMARRRT!!!!"
I have never hated a child but she is my one exception.

Im asking for Help

2009-05-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

You know what hurts the most? It's not even the fact that i can't be fixed by simply talking to a therapist it's the fact that they don't notice whats WRONG!

I just want you to WANT to be here because i feel like you don't, as if im just an annoyance even though part of me knows i shouldnt, sometimes i do feel your love so much its wonderfully dreamlike but I want love all the time, I need love. I want snuggling that doesnt end because it's love and we should be able to lay there like that. I want a hug and a real kiss that means something even if it is infront of friends. I just want, and more then that Need that. I have been stepped on by the one person thats suppose to help me. She was suppose to pick me up. He was suppose to notice my tears.
I just need your love and you give that to me undeniably sometimes but i wish those rare occastions would happen more often because i need you here. For once im actually asking for help. Won't someone notice and more importantly you?

-leaving you something to think about
-toni bish

Green, Gray Grass.

2009-05-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am alone in the world but the green grass grows.
It envelopes me in a cacoon, sweet, quiet, and dark.
I am happy in the world where the gray grass grows.
It is always lovely because no one can hear me scream my silent scream.
I caught fire in the place where the snow falls
Nothing could stop the burning that sang from my heart, my very soul
I froze in the world where the warm sun shines
Because I don't feel anything there, no one can touch me when I'm there
I sang in the place where there is no sound
Because it rings clear as a bell to people who will actually listen,
Those sad notes of magic will envelope me in a cacoon. No one can reach me there.
Tears will fall and my cacoon will exploded into an ocean. My ocean.
There, I will swim like a fish that is gifted with rainbow scales. They attract attention, unwanted.
I will cover myself in mud, saddness, and fear so no one can find me.
I will fly from the ocean like an angel but will fall down onto the green, green grass.
I will lay ther unmoving because Nothing should not do anything. Nothing should stay a nobody.
There on that green, green grass, I will lay unmoving, unbreathing, praying for it all to end.

-leaving you something to think about
-toni bish

Catastrophe solved?

2009-05-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dress problems...great. I am going to go get a new one tonight in erie which should be fun but i feel really bad spending me dads money when he could be spending it on something more important.

School was pretty pointless today. Highschool seems to go on this way forever and forever near the end of school all of the teachers say "aww well its close to the weekend (its tuesday)"
so fun.
don't forget to keep sending me your emails!

By the way, Heres a quote

2009-05-05T16:58:00.001-07:00

GASPO

2009-05-05T16:49:00.000-07:00

Did you know 'el gaspo' means mustache in spanish? so why do people refer to an intake of breath as gasp? where did that come from?

I had a really good day at first. Sleepy warm morning, perfect makeup day, outfit looked just right, hair was slightly messy. My type of perfect on a school day. and then after school came and the tailors fucked up my prom dress and i am now promzilla on a rampage. more like frustration-crying-zilla but thats besides the point.

So it's your guys job to tell me your worst prom catastrophies so i can put them on here. I dont care if they're appropriate.
toezy2@yahoo.com is my email.
GOGOGO!!!

-leaving you something to think about
-toni bish

My Lovely

2009-05-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Im still in Love with the boy, teen, man that is my JohnJosephRickel
Hes Beautiful.
Hes Loving.
Hes Lovely.
And when I fall asleep next to him he wraps his arms around me without noticing it, protecting me while hes asleep. I let him rest his head on my chest and play with his hair until his breath is deep and sleep is everywhere around him. Then I roll over next to him and fall asleep curled at his side.
I love to look at the freckles the sparkle on his face and coat his shoulders in those beautiful little spots. He is my Sunny, Sunshine, Lovely.
I am going to Marry Him.

then all the rest falls away...

2009-05-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Im drinking tea, i know its cliche to be philisophical and drink tea but what can I say.

When we run to the beat of someone elses drum, are bodies tear away but our minds are the first to go. They start to drain of all personality but the friend you -wannabe-, but the person you never knew but saw glowing in the light of joy. your body is next. your arms turn into wings your face nothing but a light glow in the breeze, a dull throb in my heart as a watch you turn over. Yet you keep running until your legs break away and your nothing but a moth wanting to be a butterfly then all the rest falls away... There are no second chances for followers.

It means your somebody else entirly when you give into your mind and let it be twisted and bent into the shape you think is perfect, the way that you should look. How you look, is always the way to go though but not everyone realizes that until they have nothing left. Not even themselves.

-Leaving you something to Think about.
-Toni Bish

Highschool Life

2009-05-02T05:25:00.001-07:00

Highschool life is a bunch of dramatic girls having a fashion show, and a bunch of druggies soliciting. THAT! should be an icon on everybodies profile because it's the truth. I have been to SOOO many different schools and everyone is the same.

Have the right clothes or get kicked out.
Have the right face or back off.
Have the right hair or you might as well go bald.
Better have a car/money or you are not getting invited to jack SHIT.

If you wanted me to sugar coat it, I'm not. Truth is something that can only be given willingly and here i am shouting my oppinions out, but its up to you guys to bring my some viewers, spread the word of what I do.

Back to Business. I've learned that the only girls you can trust are the ones that stand out the most and honestly are the most 'dramamtic' i guess you could say. The ones who want to be someone and stand out, the ones that can wear a hoodie everyday and still make a statement in life or the ones that can look amazing on a stage when you know how freaked out and excited they actually are, or the ones that can play hockey and kick someones ass, but still have the most contaious laughter or the ones that can make a statement just by showing who they really are and loving every second of it. Those are the people you can trust.

Boys, boys, boys...In my school there is a fine line that splits them in half. The smart, well dressed, sports playing, good grades, hard working types or the I-cant-stand-to-be-around, annoying, drug-doing, bad-smelling, crazy-stalkerish ones. Oh, theres the ones in my group that have those outstanding personalities but we"ll get to them some other time.

Now if your stupid enough to start SNORTING PILLS in the 9th grade, shit's wrong with you and im not saying their all bad they could be nice and be on drugs but, deep down you know things could go wrong. They get angry, you get hit. They get 'over-excited' you get raped. Sometimes they could be nice but you have to think about how everyday, if their doing somthing different, how they'll never be Them. They always be the drug that they're on that day.

-Leaving you something to think about

-Toni Bish

I know!!!

2009-05-02T05:08:00.001-07:00

I havent been on in forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrever.
Its a problem i can see i prolly lost all of my viewers but im going to try and get you guys back because i think blogging is the way to stay sane. no joke.
im going to be working on it today, hopefully i can get it all back up and pretty.
i love you guys!

Update.

2009-01-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling increasingly depressed for awhile now ever since, well i dont know really. stress? I really don't know how to handle it some times and hiding it has just become easier for me. "what's wrong with you?" my reply would be tired. "Why are your eyes red? were you crying?" my reply would be no i just put my contacts in or maybe no i was sneezing. I have decided that maybe i need to speak to someone to help uncover this wave of exhaystion, anxiety, and saddness that overwhelms me every morning but my family has been struggling with money and I would feel like I was taking something away from the kids. Food that they could've had, toy that they asked for, new socks even.

I noticed john loves me though, i had been worried about that lately, him waking up one morning and realizing how horrible and ugly i am. But today when he noticed I hadn't been eating he was so worried and caring I don't remember where that doubt came from. I love him which is obvious to all who are around us, i've been told it is as if you can feel our connection.

Riley heisey is a boy at school who sent me nude pictures because he is a man whore that gets pleasure out of cheating on his girlfriend. He is a coward and a liar and to all who believe the venom that pourS out of his filthy mouth, I pity you and your incapableness to realize what a fowl person he is.
But for the record, SMALLEST PENIS I HAVE EVER SEEN with the HUGEST 70'S porno bush oF a garden growing on his balls. seriously MOW THE LAWN!!!!!

Lucky/Song

2009-01-20T09:03:00.000-08:00

Have I ever told you how lucky i am to have already found the love of my life? Well I am lucky. I have a list of things i would love to do for him at all times to make him happy although some are impossible, i am pretty sure snuggling when he just wants to snuggle is doable. He is so perfect to me and i am not worth it. I know he can do better but for my own selfish gain i am going to keep him forever. I Love Him for the way he talks when he knows i am upsest, I love him for the way he laughs when I make a stupid joke that only he understands. I would be cheesy and say he is the wind beneath my wings but let me get a little bit more original. He is the syrup to my pancakes, the powdered suger to my funnel cake, the spin to my ferris wheel.

So I am writing this song and i really love it so far.

Ill scream to the sky, asking the question Why?
Ill Cry to the ocean and fill it with tears
Sing to the mountains my horrid fears
and ill throw my voice to the clouds, hopeing the sky will be proud

But nothing will change, your heart will be the same
and the world will grow cold pushing you aside
You will grow wild, cruel and untame
One day you'll be this ocean with a harsh tide

When my voice cracks and the question ceases to remain
When my tears dry up and drives me insane
When my fears grow worse and to horror filled to say
The clouds will be nothing in the skies eyes that day

Still nothing will change, your heart will be the same
Untouched by human words, tears, and cries in pain
You will continue on in hopes of your own selfish gain

By The Way:; Janie I love You. haha

2008-12-18T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ill sing and open up my mind to the sky
Ill run, breaking the tides pace

I want that to be a chorus but the yelling in my house hold it disrupting my Aura.
lol.

So math class this morning...well math class EVERY MORNING Connor farts his head off and we all end up dieing in the corner so i told the teacher that connor got some stank up in him and he put him in the front of the room. It was the best. then connor was texting me when he was like FIVE SEATS IN FRONT OF ME WTF?!?! and he sent me -I hate you- and turned around and made the funniest/connor cute face. haha.

well more later.

From your Daughter.From My Heart.

2008-11-21T14:47:00.000-08:00

I thought you would be Proud of me, of what I've stepped up and Become.
I thought you would be Happy for me, But now when I look in your eye's I see all hope is Lost.
Possibly Missed. Exceptionally Dead. Potentially Lost. Maybe Gone. Just somes.
What I got from you was Maybe.Possibly.Potentially. Exceptionally.Did you think of the Cost?

The Toll that it took, Did you take Me into Consideration?
I just wanted a simple I Love You, I cried in a Anticipation
Of The Words that might be said, or this Heart of mine that might be Undone.
Even before you said Hello, I already knew the Goodbye had Begun.

Some loose their Heart, Some loose their Mind.
Yet I have lost Me. Myself. My Kind.
Did I come back from Neverland?
The Answer is yes, But I never came back Whole.

-At a Loss.

I Write poems. I don't even know where this talent came from. My Mother? I can't ask her now can I... When I talk to her I can tell I'm not at the top of her list. I put my brothers and sisters before anything and I'm raising my grades. I got Straight A's for Her, I Didn't argue, I didn't even fight for the right to be Me. I was a doll being dragged in the dirt.
I Thought when I got away it would all End. Maybe this whole, this growing depth that seems to entangle me would go away.
It didn't and now I'm stuck here with no distractions and only my mind.
I'm forced to think about that questions that eats at my heart.
What did I do wrong, So wrong that would make her leave me?Abandon me?
What's wrong with Me?

I have a Story

2008-11-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

I have a Story.There is no make believe or even happyily ever afters, So far I am stuck in a never ending thought. A never ending Attempt really.

My story begins with a bad ending, But I am going to start here and now, present and I guess you could say future. I am Toni Bish, the girl that is suppose to know all the answer for certain people, get good grades to make my parents happy, give advice to save a life, and even do chores. Right now I must seem like a normal teenager but I have a story that will blow you away.
I got up yesterday morning thinking how dreary and boring it was going to be unable to call John, my long term boyfriend, because he had work training and also school. I have finally got that teenage thing where you hate school even if its freakin' eat candy and dance in the hallways day. Hate It. It is a place where people start rumors, ruin lives and teachers try to cram as much information as possible into your mind, They even refer to you as a 'Sponge' or they just say 'ABSORB THE LEARNING.' Yes thank you Ms.Lewandowski but I'm not a tampon... Moving on my school also has those people who think it is COMPLETELY cool to smoke during school and get caught in the act. How freaking stupid are you?
Basically I am fed up of 95% of school the other 5% is my girl friends(Mostly Bry and Hannah) and guy friends(Mostly Jamie) and my boyfriend John. I was depressed that day because I particually had a bad episode the night before involving tears and lots of peanut butter.

well that all for now.

One, Two.

2008-10-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

So I get asked alot to put some 'relationship' advice on here, so I guess I can.Nothing mushy gushy about love at first site though and that 'oh it will all work out if you shut up about your feelings'.

A relationship is two people. Therefore it is suppose to go two ways. Let me say that again.
A Relationship Is Two People.It Goes Two Ways.
In a relationship you are suppose to give each other support for what the other has set there mind too. If you think it's a bad idea or somthing deadly, Tell them what you think, but don't give them that stupid option 'Its me or that...' That is the one thing nobody can stand. You are giving them a choice between the life they had with out you, and the life they have with you. Nobody ever wants to make that choice.
You always have to give emotional support to your loved one no matter what it is.

Also, Sex in my point of view doesnt always help the relationship when you've been dating for TWO WEEKS so either wait till marriage or give it time because you havent had the chance to learn each others secrets, the things that make you scare, and the things that will hurt you in the future.

Love goes to ways, you have to give trust and faith in return for Love. If your boyfriend has girl friend's, let him hang out with them. Give him trust because he deserves that. The same goes for your Girlfriends that have guy friends. Give them trust in order to get a better relationship. Of somthing horrible happens when they are with there guys friends then sit down and talk about without yelling. Make your decision after you've heard his side of the story or hers. You might just end up getting closer OR you might end up breaking up but there's no need to swear, yell very loudly and disrupt the peace. Trust me NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT.

thats all for my dating advice.

2008-10-27T03:05:00.000-07:00

Morning.
I love the morning, I like getting up and getting ready for schooll. I know most...okay all of the teenage race completely hates getting up but I don't. I like sleeping of course but why lay in bed Half the day when you could be doing some thing?
'They are the Beacon of hope in a fiendish place
They are the last of the kind human race'

I have had that stuck in my head all morning don't know where it's from. I know I haven't wrote in a while but im writing now.
and i will write more later.but i have to get ready for school.

Chapter.

2008-10-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

The cold numbness slipped over me as I walked into the morning air. This was not as easy as I though it would be going to school like this. My wrist covered well and my legs were a very easy thing that could be hidden but I feel as if everyone will see right through me. My heart, the broken thing that it is, pumped blood through my body trying to warm me yet all I felt right now was the overwhelming cold from this winter morning. My breath came in colds of grey, my cheeks red already, and I could hear the crunch of snow as I walked to my car.
Starting the heat, I took a deep breath trying to prepare myself to act normal infront of my peers and my friends but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't steady my heart beat to a normal pace. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I start this horrible curse? and Why do I ask these questions when I already know the answer. The answer that will forever haunt my nightmares.
I pulled into the school parking lot with as much confedence as I could manage. This was the last day before Thanksgiving break and it was only a half day. I can do this. The shocked of the cold when I opened the door still was magnificient in my point of view. I love the snow, the white blanket of calm it places over the earth. It disguises itself as a childs plaything and a couples dream date when really it can bring sickness, frostbite, and even death to people. To me it is proof that you can still be beautiful but have a hidden dagger up your sleeve and it is the snow that gives me courage.

As you know, or maybe you don't, but every fall I start a book to follow out through the winter and then somtimes place the whole thing on here for you to read and judge. They are usually novels about real things that really do happen to people. They are encouaging and drawing. This is the beging of the one I'm starting and I am just calling it Chapter so far but I really like it.
so go comment in my chatterbox and tell me what you think so far.

George Bush.

2008-10-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

Recked America in just Four Years.

Moving on, I really enjoy your chatterbox comments people your really nice.^.^ they are very positive.
I'm having a good day today, as you can see on the side of my layout I have updated alot and I also wrote a whole bunch about me and my family in my about me.I didn't write about my mom yet but...that will come up.Or maybe I'll just put it aside for a while.Not ready to admit to those times...

We have a Nemo mouse bad and at this moment my little sister and little brother are argueing about if it's 'Nemo' are 'Memo' of course the Six year old would think its 'Memo'. I've been thinking and we all know what becomes of that but anyways school is like a big fashion show.You don't look the part of the happy teenager who is loaded.You are pretty much put aside in highschool like a shovel, all your good for to them is to dig up dirt on your life. Wonderful isn't it?
My brother, The older one. Is going to take cyber school next year because he's tired of how the highschool acts in his eyes.I dont blame him. I think we should have an assebly and make everyone stand infront of the school and say all the rumors out loud just so we can finally realize everybodys lives are a lie because other people hate them.Of course there are the excuses.

"She totally tried to steal my boyfriend"
"He was always looking at me when I told him not too..."
"WELL SKANK OVER THERE totally cussed me out for doing drugs behind her back"
"Well she told me the he said to her that his bestfriend said to him that SHE didn't like me"

we all know that last one...
then there are the things they don't say.
"I'm not doing drugs, I'm taking anti'depressants and saying i'm doing drugs so no one knows i see a therapist."
"I started spreading rumors because I wanted the attention drawn away from me and my depression"

things like that.So before you start spreading somthing that will hurt someone even more, Take a deep breath and ask for the truth, Because the rumors aren't helping anything.

Heart Beat.

2008-10-16T17:52:00.001-07:00

"What I doing to my heart, It feels like a burn against my skin,
A crimson cut that so fresh but just to thin.
I feel my pulse slowing and the numbness that will soon follow.
I've done this once before.A life that passed so quickly.Will this be tomorrow?"

I am tired, I'm drinking cinnamon tea.I started drinking tea because of the colors it brought, as if bring it's own gift to the water. I thought tea was beautiful and I still do. I thought that I would talk about something because obviously teenagers are getting this right.
You were born to bring beauty and life into this world, If you weren't here then where would we be? You might not feel important but you are.You weren't born to kill yourselves, or hate the world. You were made to make mistakes because of what they will accomplish. Your gift that your giving, that you brought with you.
from where i dont know, Infantland? Unborn Babies World? Future Meaningful People? (president bush wasnt from there.)
Well, We all come from some place and it doesnt matter if you think it's from gods own hads or the Saints, or the Gods (plural) You shouldn't hate someone for what they believe in. We're all here for the same thing.

To Live.

Burn.

2008-09-18T14:22:00.002-07:00

I'll hide from you instead of telling you, I want somthing stronger

Somthing to make these years fly by or maybe just end instead of making them longer

I can't take these whispers I hear and the accusations towards others

Hiding from the boys who call each one another brothers

Why do people hurt there own kind? Instead of confronting them, the prey go and hide?

Why do people walk around invisible or as if they have some disguise?

I can see you, this I promise But do you look into my eyes and see with each breath, I ache

I walk through dreams in a fog and I hear you from some where but the words just don't take

Must I tell you what is wrong when you know me so well

I wish that this was true but your words can't mystify me as though they are some spell

I ache inside, A pheonix ready to sing her lovely song and burn

I wish to pass on somthing of new life too all but me, I just can't stay, because my tables have turned.

Can you not see My Love, My Friends, My Family.On the inside I am burning.

Burning Alive.

Classes are Bleh.

2008-09-18T14:22:00.001-07:00

I want to go to JCpenny.It looks like a blast.

Anyway, I want to start hanging out with friends since I have my stupid classes and homework schedule together. Yeah me. I am so excited for skating, I love skating at the ice rinke. I am also very excited for homecoming because I have never actually gone and gotten a Very pretty dress to actually dance in. I would love to know who else is going.

News about anything really I just don't have any. I just felt like writing down a blog.

Im worried.frustrated.sad.happy.and i have two classes that make me very happy and today one sucked. And I'm trying to hold up because I don't want to make john feel bad.
I downloaded technologic onto Mypod this morning, I love that song. I also downloaded LIGHTS. I love her soft songs and her lively ones.

Write me a message on my myspace.Im very well...not doing okay.

I dont understand.

2008-09-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

I feel abandoned even though they say I'm not.
I feel hurt by the ones I love even though they say it was unintentional.
I feel sad all the time even though I fake these smiles, laughs and hugs.

I keep up my appearances for you so I don't get asked the question I just can't answer.
"What's wrong?"
Because with all honesty, I don't really know.

Upon this Universe.

2008-09-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

There is a place upon this universe where happiness is everywhere
people smile like it is within there nature to do so when really they don't care
In this place the flowers grow with colors so pure, as if touched by gods, no petals brown or curled
And in this place there is a girl with a heart, a heart that holds the saddness of the world
She looks perfect, as if every thought innocent, every touch casual, but inside she dies
If you could only look into her eyes you would see the things that have been said to her, the things she hides
From a Mother to a Daughter, From a Father to a Son, From the abuse to a lover, From the truth to a friend
She has heard it all and more, seen it all which is more then any human has had to acknowledge
No of course, no she does not speak of it for heads would spin and lives would unravel
No she doesn't even mutter a word of these tradegies nor a word does she babble
This girl holds all the saddness in the world inside her heart, she cries at night alone in the dark
Although her room is filled with light, to her it shines as dark as it should be bright
She walks among her dreams of spears, bloodshed, words so hurtful the daughter dies of heart break
She walks among her dreams calling for someone to scare away these nightmares, She calls for a Knight.

To the Women who say they aren't good enough.

2008-09-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

To all the women, the girls, the children, and daughters
who say they are not good enough for one another or for others
I ask you to forgive yourselves for whatever you think you have done.

To the women who think that no man will love them, that they are not beautiful
I dare you to smile like you are the world, let the light from you shine full
I ask you to finally realize that out there someone is upset, sad because they have not anyone
I wish you to find them and comfort them as I am You, because everybody needs love.Like i grant you.

To the girls you think that they have to sell themselves short for a good reputation
I dare you to stop that thought, the thought that you must become a whore for boys to love you
I ask you to finally pull that blind fold off that they have covered your eyes with, and realized your beautiful without there thick make-up and short skirts
I wish you good luck with these words I give you, but i promise you'll find your place, among those who have discovered themselves just like you.

To the children who think they have been left to yourself
I dare you to finally let go and forgive them, it is hard but once you see the truth you'll find people who love you and care for you more then any mother or father could have that you have never met.
I ask you to step out of your comfort zone and finally call them Mom and Dad, because that is what they have been to you.
I wish for you to stop crying your tears because I am here to grab on to your every word and tell you it is fine because you are loved, loved and will never be alone.

To the Daughters who have given there lives away just to get a scream or slap from a parent
I dare you to finally realize that she won't look at you with love because she never knew such a thing
I ask you to forgive her even though it is hard and stop failing, and stop finding love in someones arms who will never love you like you want Her too, I want you too see that you can be your own person and with the love or friends you will make it all the way and more
I wish you the best on your quest and that you finally know what it is Really like to have love.

To everyone that has been left, forgotten, sad, stepped on, abused, and even hurt by words. You are people, People that make the future what it is and when you stop believing you are worth the effort you are in fact giving up on your chance to find that love you want, That hug you always wanted, Those words that would finally make you happy. I want you too know that even if you are friend or believe you are an enemy to me. I don't blame you, I forgive you for anything I accused you of and I am sorry you feel that way. But I am here, listening and ready for any heartbreak you feel or sadness you need to leave behind.

Music.Contacting Me.

2008-09-07T08:19:00.001-07:00

I use to play the viola. I don't know if anyone knows that but, I really liked it. I wanted to pursue it because I love classical music and string instruments. But when I moved to my moms the school there didn't have it and Ihad to quit voila and play flute. I don't like the flute, I actually hate it. It's beautiful, the sound, the way it shines but I hate playing it. So I took up piano and now I just realized I want my viola back. So I'm going to get it for my birthday. I was going to save my money and my mother was going to match what I had for a good camera but now I just really want a viola.

Anyway.I'm dyeing my hair red in december with my mom. She's really good at doing hair, and so is my aunt patty so I really don't know whos doing it yet but I'm excited. For those of you that want to know what color, I want Gemma Doyles hair color from the book'A Great and Terrible Beauty'. She's on the front cover of the book.It's a deep red and bronwish color. NOT STRAWBERRY BLONDE. Not my thing. But so far I really Want to do that. If I don't like it I'll just dye it back to a color some what llike my natural because I'm not coming to school with ugly hair.
The reason I'm Doing it in December is because I want it to grow out enough so that i can just let it do the natural flip that I have. Im keeping bangs if your wondering, they're easy and I just love them.

I feel very happy today. Sorry I haven't wrote in a while, I just have been working on studying and painting, and friends. But now that I have everything undercontrol I'll be writing in here more often. If you want me to write about something in particular or give you advice write to my myspace or email me at toezy2@yahoo.com
my myspace is www.mycoldheart11.com
it was from long time ago and my stupid depressed ways. So don't judge me by my myspace URL, I'm actually very happy and light.

Part.

2008-08-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

"We'll both go down together
Don't worry we'll stay this way forever"

part of the chorus to a future song.needed to type it.

My Words.My Goals.My Choice.

2008-08-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

I hate it when poeple say i wish I could go back in time and change that little mistake. But lets face it, you would'nt be who you are today if that hadn't happened.You wouldn't be the person that people have fallen for in friendship and more. You mistake might have hurt you, broken you down. But the person you will build back up from those different peices will be stronger. Unbreakable. Ask yourself, did it make you stronger? did it make you smarter? did it give you a lesson? People no matter what happened. no matter how breakable you are right now, the person you build back up will be completely different. Just let it go.

I have alot of goals for myself. 3 to be exact.I want to go to culinary school. Those of you who do not know what that is, its a college for the art of food. Cooking. and all the techniques that come with it. It takes skill but im ready for anything they throw at and i have the support to carry me along. After culinary school I want to open my own place to eat. Somthing for foods of all kinds and tastes. But most of all I want to be a mother someday, I don't want to be a mother straight out of highschool, or married at that. But one day i do want to be a mother someday in my life before 35. I believe sex is for marriage, no matter what you say can change my mind. I want a guy to dat eme because of my personality and crazy mood swings, not what he can get out of it. Some say 'well if they're in love' but i dont think that should be true. If your in love that means you have to have sex? thats not right at all. Im waiting till marriage and this is my choice.
I want a guy that reads like i do. Not afraid to be creative in the least or afraid to do somthing crazy in public like dancing in a crowd or singing somthing out of date. I want someone that loves loud moments as much as quiet and can just sit with me without wanting anything more. I want them to watch movies with me and laugh when things are funny not complain about how impossible that is. I don't want him to be afraid to tell me what he's thinking though. I want him to understand when I say No and my choice to wait till marriage without complaint, I don't have the patience to answer a question i've already answered so clearly and in fact will break up with you. Joke about it if you want but who cares. I want my guy to be able to walk with me in public and care about what people think about the way he looks. But i want him to not care what other people think when it comes to how loud i am somtimes.

Why not Half?

2008-08-04T15:41:00.001-07:00

Being in a relationship isn't about anything but becoming whole. It's about not even realizing what your silently searching for until suddenly he's there and your whole, Your to the point of happiness that no one else can understand. For me it is so hard to be just one. One, me, myself, and I. Because no matter what I can't get past the stupid mistakes and misjudgements i have made or that have been made on me. But finding my other half made me think differently, as if it happened for a reason.
When I became his other half I expected him to always be mine but at times it seems as if he'll never really know just what's going on for me. Just whats happening inside my head. I wish he would listen to me drop hints of my heart break. I wish he'd notice that everytime i see my family it reminds me that it will never be mine, it will always be just two. She'll never be here for me. Never understand.
I wish you would understand just how far down her words go, How far I break with each silent hurt.

Feel For Once.

2008-08-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had that feeling in the center of yourself.your soul.your mind.your entire being. The there is a Special kind of Heart there and when somthing isnt right that heart just knows?
as if someone is twisting it into tormented shapes and telling it horrible things, making it sad and hurt. So not matter what you do on the outside you'll always be broken on the inside.No matter how hard you try you can never make the gut retching feeling go away because you KNOW somthing is wrong but you can't place it. But this heart does. Until you figure it out, that feeling will never go away, you'll be stuck with the feeling till you finally fix your mistake or do somthing you should have earlier.
Unable to eat.
Suddenly suffereing from insomnia.
And somtimes, those rare moments will come, where you will forget that feeling and be happy.You will sleep so soundly it is as if you are dead, you will be so hungery it will seem unusual and then you'll remember. It will all come back.
The feeling will come back because you remember not eating.

I wish to know the cure.But I don't think pepto-bismal thought of this one.

Paintball.

2008-07-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

Was invented just so boys could finally have an excues to shoot each other and cause bruise WHILE PLAyING A SPORT. But no it is in fact not 'playing sports' when half the game someone is hiding behind a tree waiting to nail you in the face,shoulder,leg other areas....
I think they just want a reason to copy the 'girlfriends' and have a guys night out.
its the same thing really. Girls night out and guys.
guys hurt each playfully.
girls pick some random girl and make phone calls too ruin her life.
playfully of course.
Seriously though this is girls night out/sleepover whatever.
-boys.
-lets make fun of people
-boys
-boys
-OMG did you SEE WHAT SHE WORE YESTERDAY??!?!
-ohohohoh lets play truth or dare
-call boys
-talk about boys
-ruin someones life.
-myspace pictures with those retarded poses that are only made for preptastics to look like they have boobs when really theres nothing there because they eat lettuce and peppermints then work it off on 'daddy's million dollar tred-milly thing.

Spongebob is the best show.Any Objections?

Changechangechannnge.

2008-07-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

I am an idiot somtimes.I love john very much but i want to go shopping with him to change some things.like his somtimes baggy pants or his JUST ONE COLOR SHIRTS. So this makes me mad that i feel the need to do that, change him when i love him just he way he is.

And i get so mad at myself. I shouldn't feel like i have to change him, the only reason I want to is because in public im just the littlest bit of embarrased when i concentrate on looking so perfect and then my boyfriend comes up and just threw somthing on and didnt do anything to his hair. I love him when we are alone because he looks perfect to me, in every way, even his style EXCEPT FOR THE CAMO SHIRT. So i feel horrible because im only changeing him so some of my friends won't be like

'Why are you dating him when hes so not like you?'

'Your dating him? Hes sweet but...just your both so different'

'He's really sweet but he's still not like YOU.he's not your scene'

and it hurts because he is my scene.he is my life and i want them too see that, that he is like me.we are one person. so i feel this urge to change his style.it just is horrible because im doing it so people will stop talking.I hate it when people talk about me&john. When they talk about me wtfever....but it hurts because I CHOSE HIM.i love him and they can't see why because they can't even see past his clothes. So i want them to see his clothes and think 'whoa he looks cool' and talk to him and completely understand why i want him forever.

Toyou.

2008-07-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

Happy as I could ever be
While being as sick as your teenage diary
Its amazing when you say your answers out loud
Because it could be quieter then a whisper in a crowd
ill listen with all my heart to your so called advice
but a simple goodbye would have sufficed

I must say im quite impressed with your meaningless notions
Because back then i even believed you sorrow sung devotions
It shouldn't have surprised me when someone heard me,when someone else came along
Because I was singing my sad song loud enough for all of everyone to sing along
I was the cold blooded animal waiting for a ray of sun
After waintg so long my body had frozen, so imagine my surprise when your sun had begun

Your laughter, Your everything practically filled me with enough warmth for centuries
Hearing you loved me was more then too much, Making me question your inquiries
I had been so cold for so long after trying to replace it with different species
Seeing you as my own kind was like a myth, a queen among gypsies
So i am sorry when my doubt shows through my long been cracks
Sorry that somtimes my words seem like verbal attacks

But i always will be there through thick and thin
Warning you always not to let this cycle begun again and again
So remember that forever more I will always love you
Don't let my worries knock doubt in and love askew.

VersaEmerge?

2008-07-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

I really like this band.
i have never heard of them but i would think they'd be popular, they're really good.with the acoustic and everything she even sounds good in live videos.along with the rest of the band. The guitar playing is on key and very different from most things i've heard.
but the electroic sound, kind of liked amped raindrops at the begining of the black static song. I love that.
the other band that i like is Thrice. Really natural guy voice that reaches into your soul.Especially Digital Sea. Listen to it on myspace msuci or purevolume.com

anyway.So i get to see my aunt this weekend.Wootwoot. I curled my hair today GORGEOUS.very very pretty.

so my mom said me and camdencould both bring friends to her house and i want my bryanna barnes to go and camden wants his breanna to go or however you spell her name. Can you just imagine the confusion that would happen in this house hold? 4 dogs.2 bry/bre's.a camden. and of course the Toni.Me.grrrrrreat!

I can't wait to go shopping though, now before you say 'oh god how typical of a girl' i just like shopping because i get to see all the different colors and it means almost school time.I like school because you get to see everyone after a long summer of drama, tanning and crazy shopping.

i like shoes.alot.special those tennaheels.tennieshooooeheeeeels.ohbby.

thats all for now.

sonnnnnng.

2008-07-20T06:53:00.001-07:00

My new myspace profile is Kelly Clarkson-Sober.Its really nice.

anyway.so friday me bryanna john wescott and HALEY!!! went to the movies to see BATTTTTTTTMANNN.
who i accidently called BAckman because i had cherry slushie in my mouth which was cold....Very.
haley and bryanna are so cute.and wescott has these crunktastic eyebrows that stick straight up like mr.magorium.

spongebob is on.oh bby.You have to admit spongebob is one of the longest running cartoons so far that hasn't been cancelled or put on at the late hours of the night. Imma make stirfry tonight.yumyums?
i think i want to be a vegetarian.because, i know some animals are overpopulated but i still feel digusted that im eating a dead animals insides.it couldve been a mother.LIKE BAMBIS!.and i feel bad. There is also the reason that there are so many diseases and things you can get from even TOUCHING raw meat or eating it.i just i dont know.i want to but its so hard when your family couldn't really be that supportive.i mean more then half my family hunts animals.
Going green? i wish meadville would.
lets plant trees! so that we can cut the others down...thats technically what they are doing.If they cut down anymore trees in the rainforest, most of our air supply will be gone.is that a good thing to them? is that why they still cut it down day after day?
do you know that people still do in fact live in the rainforest in huts and such? yeah. LETS CUT THERES HOMES DOWN!

hate you people.

well anyway.bye for now.

argue.Argue.ARGUE.

2008-07-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

tired of it.

why do almost all of the girls in meadville middle school.or mash. have to make hanging out with there boyfriend who might just be one of your close friends into somthing stupid?
how come they make there boyfriends think its wrong to even talk to us?
now i know the definition of whipped and guys sorry you have to go through that, or the fact that you put up with it. Because face it, a girl that can't trust you to be with your best girl thats a friend, isn't a very good girlfriend is she?
the girl could also infact be your best friend.That you hate getting into fights with but no matter how hard you try you just can't be friends with one without not being friends with the other.
so i give up.never hook your friend up with your best friend because your screwed.for as long as they last which could very well be forever.

im sorry but i can't take the fights anymore.
im sorry but i can't take the arguements anymore.
im sorry for anyone who tries to put up with both sides of them, but lets face it.
if there your friend they would trust you also.if there your girlfriend they should be able to trust you with you trustworthy bestfriend.

so.im sorry but if this keeps going on.i give up.
because i can't be friends with one without argueing with the other.

im not the one making this about myself.you are.

so.whatever.

2008-07-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

bleh.i hate being just another whatever in the back of your mind.
don't you hate it when somthing matters to you alot and they just pretend it means nothing.a decision you've made that has cause you hours of thinking, yelling at yourself, yelling at others and tears then the one person that means the most dismisses it like its a pebble in his path.
it hurts.but its stupid i guess.
stupid that everyone thinks im a white cloud in the sky when really im gray.
stupid to think i might actually want to tell some people because im tired of being seen as somthing im not.

anyway.im so tired of babysitting.id rather play scrabble against my will or play tennis with hobos. I feel bad for hobos....baha.

so well.i want a giant flying animal that can carry me to atlantis where i can become a merrmaid!!! ^.^ lol. You ever notice if a brunette meets a blonde the first thing she says is 'i wish my hair was the color of yours!' and if a blonde meets a red head the first thing she says is 'I WISH MY HAIR WAS THAT GORGEOUS COLOR!'. we always want something we can't have.us girls. what is wrong with us?
imma use a video camera, the dvd kind, one time and just video tape a whole conversation of girls talking. because we are pretty weird and just outrageous.

i wish my hair was long again.i miss it.im so growing it back. i want to put MULTICOLORED CHOPSTICKS IN IT.and make seashell hair pins.or beachglass ones.different right?
so who thinks the pussy cat dolls could actually make a new hit single that doesnt involve little clothing and more words that don't involve....yeah.

i wish i was a monk.i could have a giant beard and wear a toga!!! THATS ORANGE. teehee.

wel.ilyjohn.ilybry.ilyemily.

Crackers?

2008-07-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

So. Babysitting today was brutal but with my brygasm it was funn-er then usual. We talked for 3 hours then i got off to call my fasha, haha, because danni was doing this thing that invovles vocal cords and makes lots of noise....chyeahh.
Well friday is now officially gonnuh be the bomb because i get to go to the movie with my bestie friends like bry and emily and tyler and riley and yay! and i might be spending the night at bry's which will be fun because were gonnuh take some PINAPPLIE PHOTOS PEOPLE. if you didn't know.pinapple means g-hetto.mhmmmhm. Bryanna has this keybored and it has this button that goes
YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-AHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
everytime.EVRYTIME YOU PRESS IT.and if you press it really fast it's all like.
YEEE-YEEE-YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHSSSS.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?haha. It was really funny at 1 in the morning after we ate so much candy it was dizzie-in' fooz. So were gonnuh hang out because its so funny.

I miss john.He leaves on Monday for his grandpapas.Which makes me more sad. I wish we could just be trusted to spend the night together you know? instead are parents always have to think we are automatically going to be all LETS HAVE ...yeah that word.haha. Which we won't.

im so bored.avatar is on.who doesnt enjoy watch a bald kid with magical powers fly around on a naked flying animal? It had me hooked at bald kid.

so im sitting here and danni is like
"when i grow up i want to have lots of kids"
me "really? i hope there all just like you!"
ben "taste of your own medicine"
danni "Ill throw this cracker at you"
ben "I'll eat it!!!"
me "OHHH OHHHHHH" *high fives ben*

yeah were just that good.

Hows that pie this morning bry?

2008-07-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

so i've been on the phone with bry for uhm...*looks at phone*...131 minutes. we've been talking about are wonderful blogs and other juices.
bahaha.
i just tried to hit my little brother with headphones in the face but i hit his butt instead.yay for the perfect aim.Still talking to bry, she's making her orange juice layout. She just randomly said Toni the robot...yeah thats right.im so good im mechanical.haha.

ily my bry and her goofyness.

My John.My Life.My Words.

2008-07-15T16:57:00.001-07:00

I have another Blog, but i just wanted to make a new one to start all over. So i'm sorry john because i know it sucks that im not using the one you made me anymore but your just as important in this one as the other.

One day I want to go to london and take pictures of the night life and the old age meets new city there. That day I want to be married to John, great idea right? hehe.
I think parents are funny.5 year olds are annoying.and cartoons were made to keep your children from bothering you. Having super powers would be the bomb plus it's and excuse to wear spandex and leather. Oh bby!
Bryanna barnes is my best friend<33
she is unique and she has a blog too.The links on here, checks it's out.

but now i gotz to go sorry more later lovies.